I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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