when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
