Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
