I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
