She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
