We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Randomize
