did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
