you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
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