Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Randomize
