I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
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