I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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