I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
