I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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