i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
