Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
