I must be too annoying 4 u.
Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
