Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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