i jhust puked up my retainher.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
