My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Drunk is a universal language darling
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