The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Randomize
