We tried having a conversation with our noses.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Randomize