im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
