i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Randomize
