Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Two words: blizzard sex
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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