the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Randomize
