I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
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