I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
