gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Randomize
