When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
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