dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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