you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Randomize
