And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Randomize
