You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Randomize