Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
