the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
