It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Randomize