Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Randomize
