I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
