i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Randomize
