I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
