If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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