Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
