Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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