If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Randomize
