Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Randomize