you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
