who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Randomize
