I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
