What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
