Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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