i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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