1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
