We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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