i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
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