I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
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