Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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