Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
