I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Your dad touched me again.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Randomize
