No awkward lesbian experiences without me
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
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