my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Are my feet made of real feet?
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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