i permit you to call me
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I'm just crazy horny about you
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
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