his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
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