Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Randomize